Girl, (Nearly) 16: Absolute Torture by Sue Limb

Author:Sue Limb
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2011-12-13T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 24

Jess’s mum got out her hankie, blew her nose and resumed her tragic account of her marriage break-up.

‘I think Dad moved out, basically because, well . . . because he didn’t find me attractive any more.’

Jess cringed. She had been pestering her mum for years to tell her all about the break-up, but now the moment had come, it was the last thing Jess wanted to hear. It was way too soon after all that emotional stuff with Granny. Jess decided to head off this heavy scene before her mum got any more tearful.

She had to be bold. She had to be hugely brave, but if she did it with enough panache, it just might work.

‘Well, is it surprising?’ she said. ‘What man could endure your enormous nose like an elephant’s trunk, Mum?’ (In reality Jess’s mum’s nose was tiny and cute.) ‘And your green teeth, dripping with slime, home to numberless small molluscs?’ (Jess’s mum used inter-dental brushes three times a day.)

Mum listened. For a moment she looked a bit cross that her tragic moment had been railroaded into comedy, but then the corners of her mouth began to twitch towards a smile. Jess redoubled her efforts.

‘Most men like their wives to have hair, Mum, not a bald pate like yours covered with tattoos.’

Mum smiled, fighting off a laugh. Jess was determined to get her going. But it was much harder work than earlier, with Granny.

‘I’m sure Dad would have been happy with a quiet woman who liked to spend her evenings reading and gardening.’ (Jess’s mum’s very favourite things.) ‘But frankly, the way you go out and get drunk every night, swearing horribly, beating up policemen and forcing chips through people’s letterboxes, would put a strain on any marriage.’

Jess’s mum laughed. Out loud!

Jackpot! thought Jess in triumph. She spent the rest of the afternoon assuring her mum that she was the most attractive of all the fortysomething women in Cornwall. If Lawrence of Arabia had met her, he would certainly have abandoned the habits of a lifetime and urged her to become his wife. If Thomas Hardy had known her, he would have offered her his heart, possibly even with salad and fries. If Shakespeare had seen her, he wouldn’t have written Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. It would have been Madeleine, Princess of Penzance.

Eventually, Mum abandoned her deep self-hatred and agreed to have an ice cream while admiring some canna lilies.

‘Thank you, darling, for cheering me up,’ she said, licking her Exotic Solero. ‘You are the very best daughter anybody could have.’

Jess was relieved, though exhausted. After supper that night, she went straight to bed feeling shattered.

I’ll just lie awake and torture myself with thoughts of Fred and Flora for a few hours, she thought. I’ve been so busy with other people’s misery I haven’t had any time to wallow in my own.

Maybe she should give up all hope of happiness on Earth. Maybe she should give away all her possessions and become a Buddhist.

Then, out of the blue, her mobile buzzed on the bedside table.

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